I'm officially hiring Stef Schrader.

"Wheelerguy" (wheelerguy) 07/07/2018 at 02:43 • Filed to: Capitalismism, Buy-in

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She writes for me from now on. You missed your chance, Okulski and Kristen. Especially Kristen. You could have saved her. Where’s your money when Jalopnik needed it? You are a fraud, and I am not, for I was able to exercise my might.

I shall now inject $20 million into Jalopnik, with the sole rider being that no one ever gives David Tracy money. I’ll pull funding if I see even ONE of his projects getting completed.

Wheelerguy > Wheelerguy 07/07/2018 at 02:45

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I have $ 20M, Kristen. Match it, exceed it, but I want you to do something.

DipodomysDeserti > Wheelerguy 07/07/2018 at 02:51

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If you shoot me $2m I will guarantee you that Tracy never completes another project and I’ll hire Steph to write my kids bedtime stories on a 5yr/1mil dollar contract. Deal?

Wheelerguy > DipodomysDeserti 07/07/2018 at 02:54

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Tracy never completes another project

Dealbreaker. We don’t work like that. Misery is a better punishment than death for certain people.

DipodomysDeserti > Wheelerguy 07/07/2018 at 02:58

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I assume that everyone in the Midwest already lives in misery. I know I’d rather dies than live in the middle of America.

MrDakka > Wheelerguy 07/07/2018 at 04:21

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When did Oppoland Fun B ucks become a widely accepted currency?

Wheelerguy > MrDakka 07/07/2018 at 04:25

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No you piece of shit, I operate in real money, gold, and platinum, among other assets.

MrDakka > Wheelerguy 07/07/2018 at 04:38

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All easily obtained by any pleb. When can we start dealing with the only real  objects of worth: thermonuclear devices?

CRider > Wheelerguy 07/07/2018 at 05:03

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Giving David Tracy money wouldn’t get his projects completed, it would just piss off his neighbors even more as he buys even more janky old Jeeps. 

Stef Schrader > Wheelerguy 07/07/2018 at 08:51

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I’ll believe it when I see the cash.

Also, w e’re going to be forfeiting that money pretty quickly, then. David’s a national treasure.

boxrocket > DipodomysDeserti 07/07/2018 at 09:04

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Missouri is only one of the Midwest states, and we’re happier than the fools who love in overcrowded [ coastal] cesspools . With your attitude, we wouldn’t want you here anyway.

Wheelerguy > Stef Schrader 07/07/2018 at 10:17

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OK, 40mil. 20mil goes straight to David Tracy and Robb Holland.

Wheelerguy > Stef Schrader 07/07/2018 at 10:21

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Includes benefits, full insurance coverage, paid travel and special protection for your Puffalumps. Start this Monday.

Wheelerguy > MrDakka 07/07/2018 at 10:23

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Nope, still not it. Explosives aren’t currency for me; they’re products. I operate differently compared to most other megalomaniacal supervillains  businessmen .

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > boxrocket 07/07/2018 at 10:27

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Skychismo lives in a landlocked state, other than that George Strait song. 

Alfalfa > Wheelerguy 07/07/2018 at 10:28

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One could argue that  David Tracy has never completed a project as it is.

Milky > DipodomysDeserti 07/07/2018 at 10:31

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I’d rather die from bullets in Detroit than from  heat in Arizona.

For Sweden > boxrocket 07/07/2018 at 10:36

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So Missouri does not love company?

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > boxrocket 07/07/2018 at 10:39

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I’ ve driven all over and there is no way I would live there. Such a cesspool I have. No surfing, no sailing no thanks. I was maybe 30ft from whales in the water a few weeks ago.

wafflesnfalafel > For Sweden 07/07/2018 at 10:39

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the state motto

Spanfeller is a twat > boxrocket 07/07/2018 at 10:46

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I thought he hated the kind of people who’d disqualify a place without knowing it... describing it like a shithole of sorts.

Thomas Donohue > boxrocket 07/07/2018 at 10:51

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Lake of the Ozarks is literally a cesspool.....they’ve been dumping untreated wastewater in it for years.

At least our E. Coli on the coast eventually gets washed away in the gulfstream. Your s just sits there in the fake lake.

fhrblig > boxrocket 07/07/2018 at 10:54

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If you two don’t knock it off I’m gonna turn this car around right now.

Besides, you’re both wrong. Cities are awesome, and the M idwest is awesome.

DipodomysDeserti > Spanfeller is a twat 07/07/2018 at 11:01

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I know the Midwest well, and was making a joke. However, knowing the Midwest, I knew at least a few would get defensive about it.

SmugAardvark > boxrocket 07/07/2018 at 11:02

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No kidding, I really hate these overcrowded coastal cesspools. Way too many people!

It’s a wonder people even have enough room to breathe out here!

Spanfeller is a twat > fhrblig 07/07/2018 at 11:07

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How about mid western cities?

DipodomysDeserti > Milky 07/07/2018 at 11:07

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I wish more Midwesterners felt this way. Let your fellow Michiganders know about our scorching heat. Don’t fo rget to mention all the scorpions and snakes. Tell them ho w hot the food is here, too.

fhrblig > Spanfeller is a twat 07/07/2018 at 11:11

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They’re full of sausage, cheese, and beer. And then I visit them, and I end up full  of sausage, cheese, and beer. 

DipodomysDeserti > boxrocket 07/07/2018 at 11:14

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DipodomysDeserti > Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies 07/07/2018 at 11:15

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Tool wrote a song about us having a bay as well.

shop-teacher > DipodomysDeserti 07/07/2018 at 11:34

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I'd rather die than live through your summers.

jimz > DipodomysDeserti 07/07/2018 at 11:40

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which was based on a Bill Hicks stand-up bit. 

DipodomysDeserti > shop-teacher 07/07/2018 at 11:40

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I think everyone is going to feel the wrath of summer this year.

DipodomysDeserti > jimz 07/07/2018 at 11:58

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boxrocket > For Sweden 07/07/2018 at 12:36

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That’s deliberate propaganda to those “not in the know” away. We’re surrounded by, what, 8 other states? You just have to show us that you’re cool and you’re in.

boxrocket > SmugAardvark 07/07/2018 at 12:39

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I meant the cities, hence why coastal was in brackets. The coasts themselves are great. I was referring to p laces like NYC , SF, LA, Chicago (technically they’re on a lake coast), etc., that are overcrowded.

shop-teacher > DipodomysDeserti 07/07/2018 at 13:28

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True, but not as bad as y'all.

SmugAardvark > boxrocket 07/07/2018 at 13:35

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That’s more just a fact of city life in general , rather than proximity to a body of water . It stands to reason that most major metropolitan areas are close to an ocean given the primary means of conveyance for large amounts of people and cargo at the time they were founded , but it isn’t necessarily always the case.

Among the cities not immediately adjacent to any ocean (or major lake or gulf ) that are rather crowded as well: Philadelphia, Atlanta, Pittsburgh, Columbus, Indianapolis , Minneapolis, Nashville, Sacramento, Charlotte, Denver, Dallas, Kansas City, Phoenix, Orlando, Las Vegas, and so on.

On a side note; you said you folks in Missouri were happier than those living in coastal cities. According to science , that may not be quite so true. In 2017, Missouri scored a 60.7 on the happiness and well-being poll, putting it below California, New York, and somehow even Illinois. In fact, Missouri ranked 39th out of 50. But hey, at least you’re ahead of your neighbors in Ohio, Indiana, and Arkansas...

(In case you were unsure, I’m just busting your chops. Good on you if you’re happy with where you reside . Cheers! )

Dusty Ventures > SmugAardvark 07/07/2018 at 21:49

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How many of those cities also aren’t on rivers? Not trying to counter you, just because I’m interested

Stef Schrader > Wheelerguy 07/08/2018 at 01:55

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I mean see the cash in my hand . “Feel the cash” might be a better way to put it.

SmugAardvark > Dusty Ventures 07/11/2018 at 10:22

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Off the top of my head, Orlando, Dallas, and Las Vegas. However, Orlando is surrounded by swamp (and is about an hour drive to either the Atlantic and the Gulf of Mexico) , and the Colorado river is just outside of Vegas. Dallas does have a number of large lakes in and around the city as I recall.